(Source: clrtheway, via clrtheway)

I’ve said it a million times and I’ll say it again. I love my boy so so much. First show of the year and we jump higher than planned and expected, overcame my fear, and got 1st place, 2nd place and 3rd in our classes. Placed in every single one of them. Got 3rd in the .90’s (2’11”) and 1st in the .95’s (3’1”) except the only problem was..they measured the jumps wrong so the .90’s ended up being the .95 height..and the .95’s ended up being the 1.00 meters (3’3”) sooo we beasted a height we’ve never shown in before ( I was scared to death..he was raring to go as usual) and we got first and second in the two .95’s classes :D and 3rd in the .90’s. Beat all the trainers and their expensive big horses. Even had people offering to buy Zorro. Hah! Yeah right people. I am so proud of him and very pleased with myself as well. We are finally starting to come into ourselves. Even more tuned together. <3

i just want to scream.

oh me and my sneakiness. :) can’t wait till tomorrow morning. long overdue.

I just wanna scream and lose control

Throw my hands up and let it go

Forget about everything and runaway.

Just trying to figure out what’s going through my brain and why.

I can see that look in your eyes. I saw it in many others. I should have backed off the second I noticed it, but I blinded myself again.

Somedays I challenge myself and consider putting an end to it, but that would mean ripping my heart apart.

Most of the time I just give in to myself and let it happen.

My guilty pleasure that is so wrong. But why doesn’t it feel wrong? It should. But it doesn’t.  Sometimes it does, but only on certain occasions.

I lie and use excuses to let it happen, it’s just my sneaky way of making it happen. And that needs to stop. I get so caught up in the moment. I can’t keep doing this. It’s not right or fair. 

I’m repeating history. I’m going to mess things up again. Plant a seed, it grows, then I watch it burn. Then I lose myself again. What am I doing? I don’t want to hurt anyone or myself. I’m just out of control and I don’t care.

My feelings aren’t real, they’re tainted by a desire to be desired and that’s all.

I’m a liar. A shapeshifter into whatever the hell you want me to be. To the point where I don’t even know who I am anymore, what I was before, was that the real me? Or is the real me the present me? 

I’m so over it. It’s gotta stop. I’ve never been good at distancing myself…hell…I’m awful at it. It’s pathetic. But I have to try. Little by little. Because I can’t stand to hurt anyone else and in the process kill myself again.

I have to do it. I’m out of bandaids to keep fixing hearts that I rip open myself.

It’s either this or you will eventually leave. Just like the others.

I write this so everytime I am losing my nerve, this will help me get it back.